Entry the Fifty-Third - Citizen Monster
By Ben Malisow - 04 DEC 2011
I’m going to talk about a movie, here. And I’m going to give away every single part of the movie, truly spoiling it completely, so you might want to stop reading if you don’t like that sort of thing.
The first wave of made-for-cable movies were largely garbage; the warmed-over retellings of better tales by lesser tellers. Cinemax existed almost solely for this reason; before the ubiquity of VCRs, and prior to a commonplace Internet, average Americans could only get softcore pornography from cable. Skinemax would show heavily-edited Eurosmut for its late-night offerings...and, some time in the late 1980s, eventually segued into teasey flicks made exclusively for the cable channel, by the cable channel.
These were cheap to make, and the profit was definitely there to be had...more profitable, in fact, to own the full rights to a title than to lease them from a distributor (even a sketchy European distributor). Soon, other channels followed suit, and by the mid-‘90s it was simpler to fill air time with your own brand than with something purchased from a major studio.
This was an interesting period, way before the triumph and majesty of such offerings as “The Wire” and “The Sopranos” changed television altogether...but it was this time period that demonstrated the forces that would allow those victories to occur: freedom, limited budget, and prurient appeal.
Cable meant that you could show tits. And use dirty words. It also meant that the producers hired from a pool of directors that were not tied to studio contracts (and directors often pulled in actors much the same way, from stage instead of screen). You could gamble on odd scripts, with no-name talent. Some very funky titles came out during this period, and several up-and-comers got their chops along this route.
One of those hidden gems is “Citizen X,” the dramatized story of the actual serial killer Andrei Chikatilo, who murdered 56 women and children in the Soviet Union, over a period of decades.
“Citizen X” has several key components that make it an excellent movie, no matter its cable pedigree. The best part of the film is the cast. Donald Sutherland is the only major name in the film, but he does an amazing job: although it’s obviously a part that did not bring him any great cash windfall, or a particularly difficult effort, Sutherland does not just step through this role-- he is compelling and believable (even with an atrocious Russian accent).
Sutherland is not the lead, however: that position falls to Stephen Rea. Americans are unlucky, in that the only way we only really know Rea in a mainstream, big-budget way is through “The Crying Game,” and his role in that is simply to be the eyes for the surprise of the audience. He does fantastic work, however (including a strong role in “V For Vendetta”), and no more so than in “Citizen.” His dry, weary expression on his droopy, jowly face reminds me of nothing more than a Bassett hound we had growing: he exudes exactly that kind of plodding, singleminded determination, which utterly suits this role.
The rest of the cast is no less astounding: this is a perfect example of why directors should spend a few extra bucks filling all the roles with talented people, even if they’re on screen for just a few lines or scenes. Jeffrey DeMunn, recognizable for an appearance in “The Shawshank Redemption” which was over by the end of the opening credits but nonetheles powerful, plays the psychotic Chikatilo. Joss Ackland plays the same vile, bullying antagonist he always plays, and does so in a way that is fun to loathe. And Max von Sydow absolutely crushes his role as the shrink who writes the profil of Chikatilo that eventually gets the killer to confess, in one of the film’s most challenging and grueling scenes.
Let me address that, too, for a moment: it would be very simple, as this was cable, and a movie about a serial killer, to dwell on the mechanics of the murders; give the audience some violence and chase scenes to keep the viewer intrigued (as so much of the torture-porn and exploitation genres often do)...but “Citizen” does not take this shortcut. The violence is often not shown on the screen, and when it is, it is short, awful, and brutal. The killer himself does not seem to enjoy it: he is as pained by it as the pursuing detectives-- it is obviously a compulsion, not a pleasure.
The script is, likewise, terrific. There is enough information delivered in subtext that everything does not need to be stated outright: the writer trusted the director, and the director trusted the players, and everyone trusted the audience to not be idiots. We are allowed to get the message without being told what the message is. This can fall flat, if done poorly; in this film, it is all the more real and evocative.
Two of the most significant components are elements of the story handled with aplomb by both the writer and the director, and drive home a single point that is not stated in media (entertainment or otherwise) often enough, in my opinion. It is that violence is not solution: it does not fix anything. This point is made, in horrifying, terrific fashion, many times in the movie, but two stand out to me: the ending, and the conviction of Alexsandr Kravchenko.
The ending of the film is simple, pointless execution of Chikatilo, in a squalid dungeon that had obviously been built during the Soviet era for that very purpose. There is no justice, here; no catharsis-- we don’t get to revel in the glory of killing the madman, punishing the killer...no, it’s just one more death, for no reason and no accomplishment. We are not made safer because of it, and nobody gains. I, myself, do not find the death penalty immoral, but this film goes a long way toward demonstrating its futility.
The other aspect, Alexsandr Kravchenko’s capture, arrest, and eventual execution for one of Chikatilo’s crimes, is just as horrifying in the movie as it was in real life...and one of the strongest examples of why I am against torture as a means to gather information. Torture results in a foregone conclusion: under the right compulsion, anyone will say anything you want them to. This does not aid in acquring useful data: it leads to a known end, which is often actually counter to your stated goal. In the case of Chikatilo, it lead to more children dying. Simply put, the police tortured Alexsandr Kravchenko until he confessed, then he was found guilty and executed...and the hunt for the childkiller stopped-- because, supposedly, the killer was dead and gone, and the case was closed. Chikatilo, of course, was still around, and continued his murders. If police had kept hunting him, they may have captured him sooner, and fewer children would have been slaughtered. The film handles this deftly, and even slightly understates it for effect.
There are few negative aspects to the movie. The budget, for instance, took its toll in some places: there are a few sets that seem a bit cheesy. It was shot on video instead of film, and this takes away a bit from what might have been a more visceral feel if it had that cinematic quality. But when compared against the whole of the film, these are minor complaints.
This is an excellent film. Be sure, though, to watch it while you are in a good mood: the subject matter is difficult to take, and not treated in a light manner.
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Entry the Fifty-Second - Knowing You’re a Nerd
- You know the range of possible outcomes for 2D12. [3 points]
- You know what kind of traffic travels through Port 80. [5 points]
- You have a favorite palindrome. [5 points]
- Whenever someone refers to something as “Lovecraftian,” you are titilated with the idea that you might also be creeped out by it. [4 points]
- You know why the spice must flow. [3 points]
- You can name three members of Monty Python off the top of your head. [5 points]
- If forced, you could express the number 93 in binary. [3 points]
- You know the difference between an orc and a goblin. [3 points]
- The Three Laws of Robotics are a litany to you. [3 points]
- You can finish the sequence: up, up, down, down... [3 points]
- You know who Matt Murdock is. [4 points]
- If you saw the license plate “BRCHTA,” you would know the color of the car. [2 points]
- You don’t prefer either the Foundation or the Robots series-- you dig the Black Widowers. [4 points]
- Tom Baker is the only Doctor, in your mind. And will always be the only Doctor. [2 points]
- Just saying the word “goat...” summons up an image you’d rather not think about. [2 points]
- You know whether a 12-gauge or 20-gauge has a wider bore...and what “gauge” really means. [3 points]
- You are ready to argue the point that gauge is about railcar axle width. [4 points]
- Silverstein is unquestionably one of your faves, but you aren’t really quite sure what the point of “The Giving Tree” was. Because, hey-- that kid was really quite a prick. [3 points]
- In your house, there is a media player than can handle any of the following: an 8-track cartridge, a reel tape, a floppy diskette, a Betamax tape, or a vinyl 45. [4 points]
- You know, without thinking about it, how to use the various homonyms of “to.” [2 points]
- You know what a homonym is. [3 points]
- You know what a stanza is. Any kind of stanza. [2 points]
- You know the routing number of your checking account by heart. [3 points]
- You still write paper checks. [5 points]
- With a fountain pen. [7 points]
- You have already prepared a list of reasons explaining your choice for Favorite Bond Actor. [2 points]
- It is Timothy Dalton. [5 points]
- If I step away from the mike to take a breath, you know what song I’m singing. [2 points]
- You grok Spock. [2 points]
- Without checking, you could state the current oil level in your car. [5 points]
- Your preferred martial art style far surpasses all the others. [2 points]
- You think Cimmerians should be allowed to kill as many Picts as they care to. [3 points]
- In your mind, the fact that Lady Gaga is a ripoff of Madonna is nothing compared to the crime of Marilyn Manson ganking Alice Cooper’s entire persona. [2 points]
- While you like Kevin Smith, you think he maybe should have committed a very loud act of suicide during his 37th SModcast. [3 points]
- You can name four shows that feature music by Mike Post. [3 points]
- Every time you take your pet to the vet, you ask if the doctor is a fan of James Herriot...and actually consider using this as a discriminator. [3 points]
- You have a signed, first-edition anything. [3 points]
- You are completely comfortable referring to a no-win situation as a “Koboyashi-Maru.” [3 points]
- You are willing to point out that I misspelled the term in the previous entry. If I did. [4 points]
- There is no place you’d prefer to live than Ankh-Morpork. [2 points]
- You know the difference between a Flogger and a Fulcrum. [4 points]
- You know the difference between a flogger and a cat. [3 points]
- The antics of Anonymous are what you might describe as “spritely.” [3 points]
- Show tunes. With or without irony-- it doesn’t matter. [2 points]
- If someone mentions that they have vague memories of a movie with a floating head that vomited guns, featuring Sean Connery in a diaper, you have no shame in admitting you’ve seen “Zardoz.” [3 points]
- You’ve built a trebuchet. [4 points]
- There is, somewhere within you, an affinity for PedoBear. [2 points]
- If someone says, “Surely, you’re joking,” there is only one possible response that comes to your mind. [2 points]
- Envy has a name: Dean Kamen. [2 points]
- Your phone has more capability than everyone else’s laptop. [2 points]
- You have a towel in your car, just in case...and think of yourself as someone who would not panic. [3 points]
- You know when the next RenFaire in your region is taking place. [2 points]
- You have a favorite meme. [2 points]
- You’ve started planning your Singularity party, and want everyone to know it’s for Vinge and not Kurzweil. [3 points]
- You realize that there are many different kinds of nerds in the multiverse, and that each topic has its own...and you’ve been keeping score up until now, ready to calculate how big a nerd you really are. And you’re severely disappointed that the points are a red herring, and there is no actual grading scale.
- Because you secretly wanted to be the biggest nerd possible. [3 points]
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Entry the Fifty-First - Slams, Scams, and Spam
By Ben Malisow - 23 OCT 2011
These are some of the finer stupidities I have received in recent weeks.
I will delete some of the identifying information (mine, to protect me; the spammers’, so that this piece does not serve as an advertisement for them).
Why wait? I’ll just start with this one:
Subject: Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss
Date: 10/19/2011 5:16:56 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: holagoma@yahoo.com
Hello Hello Hello!! You can meet with you? I'm looking for love I'd like to know you a closer look really want what would you write to me! woman from far away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
Well, gosh! That sure is a nice invitation! Err...I think it is, anyway. There are several verb tenses...um...subjunctivated forms...uhhhh....dependant clausamated....in that message...I wasn’t really sure what was going on. I do know that I was being asked if I could meet with me. Which is always a treat, let me tell you.
And I’m quite sure you are far away, woman, because your return path for replying to this email contains the same server you sent it from: seznam.cz. I think that’s the Czech Republic, isn’t it? I have a tough time remembering, because during my lifetime, you have been Czechoslavakia, Czechostan, Czech-Tac-Toe, Czecha Libre, and Czechadopolis. Anyway, I don’t think you use Yahoo in Czechmenistan, do you? And if you do, why are you speaking spanish in your username? Are there lots of Mexicans in the Czechal States Of Czechistein?
I am thinking of writing back to you, because there is a great deal of appeal in having a woman who is far away. Let me think on that for a while. Okay? Kiss kiss.
Subject: Treat Your Friends on Facebook With Your Own Spooky Tale
Date: 10/19/2011 11:48:52 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: homeagain@email.homeagain.com
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Uhhh....golly, HomeAgain...that’s just...creepy. Not spooky. I mean, not
spooky-like-a-ghost-story spooky...I guess it is spooky in a
pervert-stalking-me kind of spooky.
I don’t want you telling stories about me and my dog. I certainly don’t
want to be part of your weird MadLibs kind of stories that make me sound
like I’m dating my dog.
And if I become one of those people that sends such stories, about the
kooky shenanigans me and my dog get up to, to my friends and
acquaintances, my friends and acquaintances are hereby granted full
permission to come over to my house and kick the crap out of me.
Subject: Hey handsome...
Date: 10/21/2011 1:55:02 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: jayekottergagnvv@aol.com
Hello
I'm very horny and I need strong guy to take me...
Visit my profile at XXXXXXXX dot com
Yowza! Jaye Kottergagnvv wants me! I am, of course, a strong guy. So I
am probably just right for this job. Maybe I should head on over to that
website...I mean, there is no way that a random person sending me an
email out of the blue and suggesting I go to their profile on a sketchy
dating website could ever be less than perfectly sane, right?
Subject: , Congratulations You've Earned...
Date: 10/19/2011 5:09:52 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: iinfo@web-secures.com
,
You've Earned €8888 Free Welcome Bonus At Rey8.
To receive your bonus click here
Use bonus code: R8FREE
Join and Win!
Sincerely,
Check Norton
Rey8 Exclusive Promotion Manager
You have been receiving this email because your email address has previously opt ed in to receive our updates.
To unsubscribe from our mailing list please click here
We will ignore the fact that Check forgot to include my name before the
comma. We will ignore the fact that the two links --the one to sign up
for the illegal online gambling site and the one to supposedly take your
name off their mailing list-- are exactly the same.
What we can’t ignore is Check Norton. That’s like having the name “Ima
Fraud.” I mean, how dumb does someone have to be to think this is a good
idea? I am totally against the idea of blaming the victim. However, I
am also against allowing stupid people to be rich, so I’m kind of toying
with the notion that we should endorse this kind of ripoff because it
will take money away from those folks who shouldn’t have it in the first
place.
Subject: Hey handsome...
Date: 10/23/2011 9:31:11 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: lundly670@aol.com
Hello
I'm very horny and I need strong guy to take me...
Visit my profile at XXXXXX dot com
What the....? Oh, damn you, Lundly! Didn’t you know I am already busy
checking out the profile of Jaye Kottergagnvv? And, really-- you
shouldn’t steal her email text; you should be creative, and come up with
your own. If you really want to find a strong guy to take you, you
should know that strong guys prefer women who are not copycats, and can
craft their own messages instead of stealing from others.
Subject: Sarah Lee sent you a message on Facebook...
Date: 7/21/2011 6:56:27 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From:notification+mqrygxen@facebookmail.com
Sarah Lee
Hello, I realize this request is pretty random, but I just finally made
the switch over from my space and the thing suggested we should become
friends. You seem pretty cool so why not? lol.. Anyhow, a bit about me..
I'd describe myself as spontaneous and down-to-earth.. I'm unlike most
other girls you'll find. I am definitely a social butterfly :) I notice
we are not far away from each other as well which is nice, also I would
love to meet some time for lunch. I am trying to attach some more
pictures of me but it's not letting it go through! Do u have an email
addy I can just send these photos to instead?
Hmmmm....well, I do like a girl who is both down to earth and unlike
most other girls. And, of course, I’m a sucker for any woman who is
prompted by an Internet algorithm to immediately seek out a man she’s
never met in person and invite him to lunch. That’s the kind of girl who
is just right for me! Because, see, I like a good dose of crazy in my
life. So even a real woman who would behave in such a manner is
completely desirable.
Subject:* IMPORTANT * Online Service Precautions For Your Account
Date: 7/12/2011 9:11:24 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: online@aol.com
Dear citizensbank Online Customer:
Due to several Failed attemps to Access to your citizens bank速
Online Account , we Temporary deactivated your Account for your
protection. You have to Reactivate Your citizens bank速 Online Account
within the next 24 Hours in Order to Continue using it .
Please Click here to Reactive your account .
Sincerely,
citizens bank Online速 Customer Service
Code #CH905242
Online citizens bank, N.A. Member FDIC
息 2011 citizens bank; Co.
Hmm, yes, well, I sure do appreciate the habit of randomly capitalizing
letters when it comes to my financial institution. Of course, even
though I don’t remember ever creating an account with citizens bank (or
Citizens Bank, or citizensbank, for that matter), maybe I did it late
one night on an Ambien jag. It’s certainly possible. So maybe I should
pop right over to that website and update my account information...I
mean, they ARE an FDIC-insured banking entity that uses Chinese
characters in their emails...they are obviously trustworthy.
Subject: Credit Card overdue
Date: 7/12/2011 1:46:20 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: overdue@credit-department.com
Dear Customer,
Your Credit Card is one week overdue.
Below your Card information
Customer 9626543437
Number XXXXXX
Card Limit XXXXXX
Pay Date 27 Jun 2011
The details are attached to this e-mail.
Please read the financial statement properly.
If you pay the debt within 2 days, there will be no extra-charges.
In 2 days $25 late fee and a finance charge will be imposed on your account.
Please do not reply to this email, it's automatic mail notification.
Thank you.
Okay-- that’s it. I was playing along just fine, but this is just too
much. If you are too ridiculously lazy to even toss out a fake “Number”
and “Card Limit,” then I can’t even respect you as a scammer.
Just one more...
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What? Is this...this is really from American Express? The real American Express? From Brian Powell, the COO of Amex FSB, nonetheless?
Brian, buddy...in what world is 1% the same as “high-yield”? Does anyone here (Brian, keep your hand down) know how to calculate percentages? Can anyone tell us what “1%” means in, like, numbers?
That’s right: .01. That’s one one-hundredth. And “APY” is annual percentage yield. So if you put a hundred dollars into this account, you would have $101 at the end of a year.
Wow. High-yield, indeed!
Wanna see something even more funny? Check out the footnote; 1% isn’t even the guaranteed minimum. Brian and Amex can’t even promise you a 1% rate of return for your investment for any length of time.
Hey, Bri-- how’s this? You have Amex loan me a hundred million bucks, and I’ll pay you $101,000,000 at the end of a year. Sound good?
Okay. I’ve had enough of this. I can’t believe grownups actually do this to each other...
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Entry the Fiftieth - Film Review
By Ben Malisow - 20 OCT 2011
If you’ve been considering renting “Secretariat,” I can only grant you my slight approval. While it’s a pretty decent offering for the genre, some outmoded and questionable story tropes make it a bit tedious and less than thrilling for modern audiences.
Diane Lane is coming off a quality performance in “Killshot,” a film that worked better for her than Tom Jane. Lane plays Penny Chenery, who desperately believes in her longshot stallion, ably portrayed by Maggie Gyllenhaal, can sweep the Triple Crown, horseracing’s most prestigious accomplishment.
Lane’s intensity is fantastic, and she seem to exude her sincerity in her belief in Gyllenhaal’s athletic capability. But she’s not given much to work with, in terms of characterization, and today’s audiences may be even more baffled about her motivation during the current economic depression-- this is a wealthy white woman who owns a racehorse and wanted to win a six-figure share of the purse for each of three races. It’s hard to really look at her as a Horatio Alger-type figure; we’re rooting for someone who has a whole bunch more money than we’re ever going to have, and wants more.
Still, her performance is a credit to her acting, as she doesn’t come across as whiny or overly cliched.
And she’s not the only one offering up some excellent acting chops. John Malkovich, last seen as really useful in a film circa 2002, hams it up and makes every scene he’s in. There is a place for flamboyance, and his character, trainer Lucien Laurin, is certainly one of those places. There is something more interesting in Malkovich’s appearance here, though: his teeth. Seeing those things up on the screen, you have to wonder if they purposefully made him look like a psychotic rabbit for this movie, or if he’s always been that way, and you never noticed it before.
Poor Eddie Sweat does his level-best here, but he’s reduced to playing the Magical Black Man, as so often happens in this type of movie. He’s sort of a horse whisperer, sort of a Doctor Doolittle, sort of Caesar from TV.
But it’s really Gyllenhaal’s film-- she’s got the title role, and you can’t help but focus on her each time she’s in front of the camera. Her look, her performance, her power...it’s all featured prominently, and she dominates the picture whenever she is shown. Your eyes are drawn to her, and you want her to win, you want her to achieve, you want her to end up with James Spader.
You will learn nothing new from this movie (hint: Gyllenhaal wins everything and more, setting records that still exist to this day); it’s a simple package, in a format we’re familiar with. Sometimes, though, that’s enough-- sometimes we just want to watch a movie that was well made, with good actors cranking out good performances. “Secretariat” is just that: nothing more, nothing less. Enjoy.
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Entry the Forty-Ninth - Immaturity
By Ben Malisow - 09 OCT 2011
I make no pretense of being any kind of mature. This is especially true when it comes to multiplayer gaming on my PlayStation.
Which,
of course, often launches its own host of immaturity: people who
otherwise have no developed or passionate worldview, those who know
nothing of partisan politics, take no stand on any pressing issue of the
day, will offer to burn down the houses of complete strangers over the vital question: which video game console is preferable in minute
ways: PlayStation or XBox (or, for those degenerates who deserve to have
their homes burned, Wii).
Of course, by “people,” I mean “gamers.”
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Once
you get past the big conundrum of which platform is minimally “better”
in some arbitrary fashion or personal taste, you can move on to the next
perennially-favorite conflict: which game title is better than others?
Forget,
for the moment, how monumentally stupid it is to deride someone else’s
taste in games-- just ignore the fact that this is somewhat like
chastising a person because their favorite color is wrong. Move past
that. Get to the point where everyone involved is actually playing the
same game (and, therefore, one would hope, at least agree on THAT much).
Here, at this juncture, gamers have a whole host of other things to argue about.
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First
and foremost, gamers harass each other about their relative skill,
technique, or playing style. This is affectionately known as “smack
talk,” and makes about as much sense as anything else a 14 year-old
does. You will very, very rarely see someone say “nice shot” after
you’ve put an RPG into their eye from 100 yards. Instead, what you get
quite often is someone who you exchanged gunfire with for over a minute,
such that you were both reduced to 1% health before you trip in a
gopher hole and die while they survive, and they send you a message
saying, “u suck.”
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Then there are those players who play in an annoying, quasi-cheating manner, who get offended when you want them to stop being dicks. The most egregious of these are the spawn-campers: sometimes, players on my very own team will loiter around the area where the opposing players’ characters will generate, and casually pick them off as they wink into existence, then repeat the process every ten seconds as the players re-enter the game. I will tell my own teammates to knock it off-- nobody likes playing that way, and it’s stupid.
They will invariably ignore me. Then I will shoot my own teammate.
Did you see the part at the beginning of this article where I mentioned that I, too, am immature?
This ignites an intra-team scuffle, where we will take turns killing each other until one of us quits the game. Often, it will launch an entire collapse of the team itself, with everyone trying to kill everyone but the enemy. Which can be fun.
Then there are the players who want to create a game within the game: the rules of the game are not sufficient for them-- they want to add more rules. For instance, I got this message the other night:
KID: “Knife.”
What that means is that the player from my team wants to limit the weapons choices to just hand-to-hand equipment, for purposes of making the game more competitive in a particular way. To which I replied:
ME: “Piss off.”
(Remember that thing about maturity?) I don’t like not using available equipment in any game: I paid for a game that had that equipment. I want to use it. I want high-powered guns and explosives and stuff. Knives? I have knives in my house, in real life. I don’t have any land mines in my house, in real life (which is kind of a shame). So I want a game where I can play with stuff I don’t have.
Then I got a response:
KID: “noob.”
I wasn’t quite sure what brought that on, but decided to engage.
ME: “Yes. That is my crime-- I am a new player.”
KID: “New?”
ME: “That’s what ‘noob’ means, genius. Short for ‘newbie.’”
KID: “didn’t know.”
ME: “What did you think it means?”
KID: “bad player.”
KID: “but I come from Denmark.”
Which explains everything.
Sometimes, a player isn’t cheating, or even affecting gameplay, but is still downright annoying. For instance, there is a large percentage of youngsters who think that everyone else wants to listen to the music they are listening to, so they turn on their game microphones and crank their tunes. So I, and all their other teammates, have to listen to their crap.
At which point, I usually turn on my own headset (which I use sparingly, anyway), and say, “I don’t want to listen to that crap-- turn it off.”
The other night, I got a very nice response, which I had not heard since...well, let’s see...since I was a teacher, I think. The kid replied, “You’re not my father.”
Which might have been, in fact, true.
So I shot him. Which touched off another of those intra-team combats.
I had one on another night, where the kid just turned up the volume of his music when I asked him to turn it down or mute his mike. So I took my headset, found the most disgusting episode of Dan Savage’s podcast I could find in my iTunes (it dealt with “sounding”...if you don’t know what that is, don’t Google it, or you will be sorry), hit Play, and left my headset on top of the speaker of my laptop, in the other room, while I continued to take part in the game.
These are severe measures, to be used only when certain players are being complete assholes. Like when some kid on the opposing team tries to taunt me. I often reply with, “You know, I might be a bad player, but you’re really a bad kid. That’s why your parents got divorced.”
I don’t usually hear from them after that. I like to imagine them crying in their room.
There are also players who speak foreign languages into their headsets when they play, or those who will have conversations on their cell phones while their headsets are live, or have a dog barking, or a baby crying, while the game is going on. I don’t know why they think it’s so important to have the headset activated at these times. But they broadcast all of this, so we can hear it.
Another classy group of players are the racists: they will have screennames that include slurs and epithets directed at specific demographics...or screennames that promote a certain minority, nationality, or race. These people, I shoot on sight.
I know-- this is not the most mature response. But, well...we’re playing video games. Who ever thought maturity would be a part of that?
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Entry the Forty-Eighth - Regrets
By Ben Malisow - 17 SEP 2011
We Regret To Inform You...
...unless you’re prancing around with feathers or fans or some other hokey gimmick in a 1930s burlesque show, you are a stripper, not an "exotic dancer."
...they will stop supporting your OS looonnnnng before they stop enforcing their copyright. And none of the legacy drivers will work with current machines.
...the funniest young writer of the moment is stuck writing for a horrible little Fargo newspaper, so you won’t get to see Adam Quesnell in person very soon.
...your invisible superfriend does not exist. None of them do. The universe is a big, cold, uncaring place, and you are but a speck of microgel that means nothing in the overall scheme of things.
...Keanu Reeves is still making "movies." This was not our fault. We had nothing to do with it. We didn’t even rent the headphones on the plane.
...quite a bit of your overall success or failure is down to luck. Of course, quite a bit of it is your fault, too.
...if history is any judge, just about everything you believe will be disproven within 300 years.
...none of the things you are afraid of are actually going to kill you: you will most likely die in your car or bathroom.
...as soon as the orgasm is over, the universe goes back to being exactly the way it was before.
...you are not big-boned. Nobody is.
...Vernor Vinge has a novel coming out this year. It’s a sequel to a book he wrote twenty years ago. We may have to wait another two decades to read the next one-- that’s the part we regret to inform you about. By that time, Ray Kurzweil is convinced that The Singularity will occur. Vinge created the concept of The Singularity. So....uhhh...that....just confused myself.
...you’re going to master that productivity software just in time for them to upgrade to the next version. All your hotkeys and shortcuts will be useless, and people half your age will be able to perform twice as much work in half the time with none of the experience.
...that was not caught from a toilet seat, the locker room, or a bench; they got it from rubbing up against someone else.
...in those places where they don’t collect income tax, they do collect exorbitant real estate taxes, taxes on “professional services” like haircuts, and a rather bizarre set of value-added taxes, use fees, and sales taxes.
...yeah, a sandwich sure would go great right about now. But you’re out of bread.
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Entry the Forty-Seventh - True Dialogue
This is verbatim, including punctuation, except for my personal and account info, which I Xed. I am the “You” side of the conversation.
> Welcome to an online chat session at Bank of America. Please hold while we connect you to the next available Bank of America Online Banking Specialist. Your chat may be monitored and recorded for quality purposes. Your current wait time is approximately 0 minutes. Than you for your patience.
> Thank you for choosing Bank of America. You are now being connected to a Bank of America Online Banking Specialist.
Roger: Hello, my name is Roger. Thank you for choosing Bank of America and our Online Banking Text Chat service. May I have your full name and zip code as on your account?
You: Ben Malisow XXXXXX
Roger: Thank you, Ben
Roger: How may I help you today?
You: Roger, I gotta say, this process makes me REAL hesitant to bank online
You: Let me tell you a story...
You: I have an account with your bank. I’ve had it for over 20 years.
You: I tried to sign up for an online account a couple weeks ago, and went through all the rigamarole of SiteKey and ID and blah, blah, blah.
You: Because I don’t have any BofA cards, I had to pick an option where the bank mailed me a passcode.
Roger: I understand your concern regarding the Online account.
Roger: Please confirm the Online ID you are using.
You: Mailed me.
You: Like a letter.
You: In hardcopy.
You: In the 21st century.
You: Oh, I’m not done with my story, Roger.
Roger: Please give me the four digits of your account number.
You: So, last night, I try to logon with the passcode from the letter.
Roger: Okay, please go ahead.
You: It yanks my chain for ten minutes, then tells me I have to call the Customer Service number, during business hours, to resolve the problem.
You: So I do that just now. And the phone tree drops me. Seriously.
You: It goes to a recording of “your call cannot be completed as dialed,” AFTER I make six choices and three personal-info inputs.
You: So, right now, I’ve exposed all my banking data over the Internet, over the postal service, and over the phone....and still BofA won’t let me into my account online.
Roger: Okay.
Roger: Okay.
You: Honestly, this doesn’t seem like the tightest configuration in the world.
Roger: Okay.
You: It seems more like I’d do better with two Dixie cups and a length of string.
You: Now, you want me to reveal my data in a fourth medium, because the first three didn’t offer enough risk.
You: I’m not so sure I’m digging BofA right now...
Roger: Would you please give me the last four digits of your account number?
You: XXXX
Roger: “I see that you have military accounts. While I am unable to assist you with military accounts through the civilian website, you will receive the best assistance by visiting our Military website at https://militarybankonline.bankofamerican.com/
Roger: You may also call us at 1.800.334.1920. We are available from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. Monday through Friday and 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Saturday CT.”
You: HAHAHAHAHA!
You: Awesome.
You: I am so printing this, and blogging it.
You: Thanks, man.
You: This was perfect.
Roger: You are welcome.
Roger: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?
You: Oh, I really doubt it.
You: Have a great one, Rog.
You: Hasta.
Roger: You too!
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